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Hope for Brokenhearted Lovers

An Essay on Dysfunctional Relationships

by

Spadecaller

 

 

With all the generalities and categorical ideals that we read about in establishing and preserving loving and romantic relationships, the biggest reason for their failure is rarely presented.  A host of articles are written on the subject. The list of these run-of-the-mill stories is long: From Soul Mates to Kindred Spirits or How to Find the Right Lover or When Your Relationship Needs A Break, and so on. Unfortunately, understanding the true nature of dysfunctional relationships is most often completely omitted from these hackneyed and popular pieces.

 

The breakdown of romantic relationships most often has more to do with one's emotional scars from the distant past. My experience working with people over many years has proven this point more times than I could possibly remember. Most failed relationships begin with partners who are unconsciously seeking a person to either repair or to fill the void that was left from their childhood relationships with their mothers and fathers. This concept is often alien to the ego and smarts of a Freudian twist, but truth is neither a servant to trend or denial.

 

Many men seek women who they believe will make good replacements to finish the business that was left undone by their mothers. When they feel they may be able to get what they should have had all along, they are quite elated about their new love prospect. Of course, no one can possibly fill that frozen need nor should anyone even try.  When reality sets in and the honeymoon ends, anger and disappointment invariably follow.

 

As soon as these men (and women) begin to feel they are getting all the love and support they want from their partners, they immediately grow bored and less attracted sexually to their new partners. In essence, they feel that they finally got their mommy or daddy back, but of course that is not enough. After finding their new found mothers and dads, they now want to go out and find their "true" love mates. They have no idea that the void left from their childhoods is a bottomless pit and once again it will undermine their next affair. In the wake of their denial, the wreckage of broken relationships accumulates.

 

How sad that most of these people have no idea what is driving their need to move on and the process of rationalization ensues. Sometimes the anger is pent-up outrage that has been buried long ago and they become abusive to their partners. The same is true of women who seek men to serve them better than the stoic fathers who had failed to show them affection. If they do not get what they think they are owed, they become vengeful, depressed, or even abusive. In the beginning stages of their relationships, the prospect of love and attention from their new partner is usually exhilarating. "This is who I've been looking for all along." These are often the kinds of comments new lovers make -- not realizing their perception of the other person is mostly imagined.  Little do they now that they have made their partners into wishful creations - the perfect candidate to satisfy the demands of their ghostly inner child.

 

Of course, there are all kinds of excuses used to justify their eventual disenchantment. Blaming the other partner for his or her own shortcomings even feels satisfying - at least for a while.  Unwittingly they continue to deny and hide the true nature of their malady. Sometimes, but rarely, the pattern of these conflicted souls become evident.  Nevertheless, their awareness is often fleeting. Yet, beyond the demands caused by their frozen needs, they want and deserve to share the genuine love that all human beings cherish. Resolving this issue presents a formidable challenge.

 

For some, it requires hard work and pain to finally admit that their childhood needs were not met.  Their egos and loyalties are affronted by the prospect.  To believe that their parents had failed them in any way and that they alone are now responsible for their long list of failed relationships is unpleasant to look upon or even consider. Despite this reality, they must become willing to move on and say goodbye, if they truly want to build a new and better life. 

 

The simple truth that "my parents did the best they could" does nothing to heal the past, though it is usually uttered with conviction and aplomb.  On occasion, an insightful sufferer will break lose from their denial and seek help. And even more rare - a person riddled with this insatiable need will be blessed by finding the right counselor to help them leave their unwanted baggage behind. They can then finish the task that they have avoided for years: to mourn the loss of the childhood that they never really had, but always wanted.

What a wondrous event it is to see a person leave behind the ghost that has wreaked havoc in their lives and the lives of others that they had affected.  It is nothing less dramatic than the vindication and release of an innocent captive, who had spent years of lonely imprisonment in the dark. For those willing to face the frozen needs of their childhood ghosts, genuine hope is more than just an empty wish; it is their key to finally opening the door to finding emotional freedom and the ability to share in loving, enduring, and romantic relationships.